The Diary Of A Sheep...At Sea...
Day 10: Somewhere in the Indian Ocean.
I've decided to start this diary because there are rumours that the Saudis won't take us even though we have all the legitimate travel documents. Many of us feel the wool is being pulled over our eyes.
Day 18: Something is clearly wrong. We seem to be going nowhere. Already there have been deaths. The PM's Department in Canberra has instructed that the dead are to be tossed overboard at night so the rest of us can't see. But we can hear. And the splash of carcasses overboard in the otherwise silent sea is unsettling.
Day 22: It's confirmed. The Saudis have reneged on their deal. The official line is that they don't want us because some of us have scabby mouth. But the real reason is due to souring relations with Australia. Apparently the son of a high-ranking Saudi official in Canberra was talking on his mobile. An alert police officer overheard the Middle Eastern accent and immediately became alarmed. The officer consulted his fridge magnet and dialled the terrorist hotline. The young Saudi is now in the Baxter detention centre awaiting deportation to some fenced-off part of Cuba. Meanwhile, we sheep look like becoming the meat in a political sandwich.
Day 24: Decided to start a union today. If we can present a united log of claims we may have a future. We call our union ASIO - Australian Sheep In Order. Our main demand is for asylum-seeker status at the nearest port.
Day 25: The Government rejected our claims. But they are prepared to listen to us if we each sign an individual workplace agreement. This is distressing. There are 50,000 of us here. We have neither the time nor the resources to do this. We issued another claim for asylum and we reasserted our right to collective baa-gaining under the ILO convention.
Day 26: Seems like there's a chance that we can go to Iraq but we are concerned because the Australian Government has high-level travel warnings for that destination. They keep telling us that the place is dangerous and riddled with weapons of mass destruction.
Day 28: A team of vets came on board today. They were heavily armed and they only looked at the healthiest among us. Turns out they were disguised SAS (Soldiers Against Sheep) forces and their agenda was to suss out dissent in the flock. They have removed some of the black sheep. Morale is very low.
Day 33: The Iraqi deal is off. The Australians don't trust the Iraqi people to deal with our disembarkation and the occupying forces reckon they have too much on their hands just trying to stay alive.
Day 45: Boredom and heat are the main problems. The captain has received instructions from the PM's office that we are to be confined below deck away from the glare of media helicopters. Someone has smuggled in a mobile phone that takes pictures and we are determined to get images out to show people around the world that we are just like them.
Day 47: Afghanistan is willing to take us but Iran has denied us passage. The Iranians claim that we are a health risk. The reality is that ever since Australia followed America like sheep and supported the US claim that Iran is part of the axis of evil, the Iranians have become obstructionist.
Day 48: The captain of the ship has passed on SOS (Save Our Sheep) messages from many Australians. We are buoyed by this support, which includes a statement from the Leader of the Opposition that he wants to bring us home.
Day 49: Turns out the Leader of the Opposition wants us home so that we can be used for branch stacking and barbecues at the next election. This news came as a bitter blow to our hopes, and there were more nightly splashes than ever before.
Day 54: A priest came to issue last rites. He assures us that Christians around the world are praying for us. He tells us that the Prime Minister is a Christian and so are many of his cabinet ministers such as Abbott and Ruddock. "They look after their flock," he said before muttering something about the Lord being his shepherd. I dreamt of lambs to the slaughter.
Day 59: The news is official. After nearly two months at sea we're going home. The Government has bought us back. The excitement dies when we are each handed an invoice for the cost of additional feed, fuel and supervision on our prolonged sea journey.
Day 65: The journey home seemed to be taking a long time. Then one of the flock caught wind of our true direction. We're heading north, beyond Australian waters towards some remote islands. Rumours are that we will be imprisoned or slaughtered.
To keep ourselves sane we have written a song. We dedicate it to all those who have contributed to our demise.
Buy buy back sheep our boat is over full
Why sir why sir are you such a fool
You fall for your master
And you fall for the game
And you fall for the silly myth that sheep are all the same
P.S. The Australian Government Final Solution is to rename the ship "The Love Boat" and send it to New Zealand. It is confidently expected the Kiwis will welcome this move with open(?) arms.
Peter Davis is a Melbourne writer and photographer and a lecturer in writing at Deakin University.
Day 10: Somewhere in the Indian Ocean.
I've decided to start this diary because there are rumours that the Saudis won't take us even though we have all the legitimate travel documents. Many of us feel the wool is being pulled over our eyes.
Day 18: Something is clearly wrong. We seem to be going nowhere. Already there have been deaths. The PM's Department in Canberra has instructed that the dead are to be tossed overboard at night so the rest of us can't see. But we can hear. And the splash of carcasses overboard in the otherwise silent sea is unsettling.
Day 22: It's confirmed. The Saudis have reneged on their deal. The official line is that they don't want us because some of us have scabby mouth. But the real reason is due to souring relations with Australia. Apparently the son of a high-ranking Saudi official in Canberra was talking on his mobile. An alert police officer overheard the Middle Eastern accent and immediately became alarmed. The officer consulted his fridge magnet and dialled the terrorist hotline. The young Saudi is now in the Baxter detention centre awaiting deportation to some fenced-off part of Cuba. Meanwhile, we sheep look like becoming the meat in a political sandwich.
Day 24: Decided to start a union today. If we can present a united log of claims we may have a future. We call our union ASIO - Australian Sheep In Order. Our main demand is for asylum-seeker status at the nearest port.
Day 25: The Government rejected our claims. But they are prepared to listen to us if we each sign an individual workplace agreement. This is distressing. There are 50,000 of us here. We have neither the time nor the resources to do this. We issued another claim for asylum and we reasserted our right to collective baa-gaining under the ILO convention.
Day 26: Seems like there's a chance that we can go to Iraq but we are concerned because the Australian Government has high-level travel warnings for that destination. They keep telling us that the place is dangerous and riddled with weapons of mass destruction.
Day 28: A team of vets came on board today. They were heavily armed and they only looked at the healthiest among us. Turns out they were disguised SAS (Soldiers Against Sheep) forces and their agenda was to suss out dissent in the flock. They have removed some of the black sheep. Morale is very low.
Day 33: The Iraqi deal is off. The Australians don't trust the Iraqi people to deal with our disembarkation and the occupying forces reckon they have too much on their hands just trying to stay alive.
Day 45: Boredom and heat are the main problems. The captain has received instructions from the PM's office that we are to be confined below deck away from the glare of media helicopters. Someone has smuggled in a mobile phone that takes pictures and we are determined to get images out to show people around the world that we are just like them.
Day 47: Afghanistan is willing to take us but Iran has denied us passage. The Iranians claim that we are a health risk. The reality is that ever since Australia followed America like sheep and supported the US claim that Iran is part of the axis of evil, the Iranians have become obstructionist.
Day 48: The captain of the ship has passed on SOS (Save Our Sheep) messages from many Australians. We are buoyed by this support, which includes a statement from the Leader of the Opposition that he wants to bring us home.
Day 49: Turns out the Leader of the Opposition wants us home so that we can be used for branch stacking and barbecues at the next election. This news came as a bitter blow to our hopes, and there were more nightly splashes than ever before.
Day 54: A priest came to issue last rites. He assures us that Christians around the world are praying for us. He tells us that the Prime Minister is a Christian and so are many of his cabinet ministers such as Abbott and Ruddock. "They look after their flock," he said before muttering something about the Lord being his shepherd. I dreamt of lambs to the slaughter.
Day 59: The news is official. After nearly two months at sea we're going home. The Government has bought us back. The excitement dies when we are each handed an invoice for the cost of additional feed, fuel and supervision on our prolonged sea journey.
Day 65: The journey home seemed to be taking a long time. Then one of the flock caught wind of our true direction. We're heading north, beyond Australian waters towards some remote islands. Rumours are that we will be imprisoned or slaughtered.
To keep ourselves sane we have written a song. We dedicate it to all those who have contributed to our demise.
Buy buy back sheep our boat is over full
Why sir why sir are you such a fool
You fall for your master
And you fall for the game
And you fall for the silly myth that sheep are all the same
P.S. The Australian Government Final Solution is to rename the ship "The Love Boat" and send it to New Zealand. It is confidently expected the Kiwis will welcome this move with open(?) arms.
Peter Davis is a Melbourne writer and photographer and a lecturer in writing at Deakin University.
posted by Susanna Duffy @ 9:29 PM
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